It’s my dream to become a male version of Zac Effron someday!!!
As operas go, the Met’s “Die Walküre” belongs right up there with the Empire State Building, Toys “R” Us and the Circle Line boat tours. It is hardly a triumph of art, but it’ll probably be a whale of a tourist attraction. It is Las Vegas without the sex, Mardi Gras without the booze and Madame Tussaud’s without the waxy stares. You don’t watch it, you gape at it, knowing that nothing in Dubuque comes close.
As expected, the singers seem to have been an afterthought to the giant rotating adult toy, aptly titled “The Machine.” It rises, lowers, undulates, causes health risks and even functions as a set from time to time.
We open with a giant piano center stage, storms violently scudding across it’s keys. Then the keys rotate to create a forest; Then middle C breaks apart, and hangs center stage, representing what looks like a tree with a sword wedged in it. We’re apparently in a den of some kind, but it just looks like a giant tree is hanging perpendicular to a giant keyboard. Oh, and it’s snowing in the background.
Suddenly, Germany’s answer to Denzel Washington stumbles into the den looking drunk or weary (or both) and is discovered by Anna Nicole Smith. He looks like a refugee from the Tyra Banks show because he has horrible fake hair extensions and is wearing one of her glittery blouses with an epaulet on his right shoulder. It’s sort of like: if a disco ball wandered into your room wearing a Fabio wig and a tortoise shell.
All hopped up on Oxy-Cotton, Anna Nicole instantly falls for Das Tenzel Vöshington and decides to nurse him back to health.
Suddenly, Anna Nicole’s first husband, Hunding, enters. He looks at her, then back at Tenzel Vöshington, then back at her, then back at Tenzel Vöshington. “Meine Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs, Ladies unt Gentlemen…vat zah hell ish going on in eere?” Anna Nicole retorts, “I think you’re fucking stupid…”
Baron Grumpy von Hunding Pants asks Tenzel Vöshington “Vaht ish your namen DICKVAD?” Instead of simply answering the question, Tenzel Vöshington (who it turns out is actually named Sigmund) replies, “Vell you kahn’t khol miene shtory heppy becaush miene shtory ish nichts heppy.”
Then Sigmund decides to play shadow puppets (for no reason) to tell the long and sad tale of his gruesome history…even though no one asked. The giant keyboard lowers to display a bunch of shadow cartoons courtesy of Disney. It’s not really clear what has actually happened to Sigmund (Tenzel Vöshington) because, as I said, it’s one f-ing LONG story, and all the shadows look exactly the same, so it’s not really clear who dismembered whom, or who made off with what corpse .
Once this exercise in literal-mindedness is finished, Hunding decides to kill Sigmund but, since it’s been a long day, he decides to kill Sigmund in the morning after he’s had his Shtarbucksen.
Anna Nicole, then reaches under the stage, and pulls out a giant bong. She then proceeds to stuff it full of PRIMO Mary Jane and gives it to Das Hunding. Hunding then falls into a deep DEEP sleep. It must have been some grade-A weed she gave him, because he manages to sleep through a loud love duet that spans the whole of winter and, I’m guessing, the first two months of spring.
Queue the love duet. It’s long. But the most important thing to note is they’ve both been sitting in front of the giant middle C with the sword sticking out of it for about two hours now. It’s, literally, been hanging over their heads.
Sigmund: You’re hot. Alzo miene faza said zat I vould pull a schvord from a tree?
Anna Nicole: Really? Well the only sword we have is that one (points to giant middle C.) My father predicted some hunk would pull it out someday. Hey, you look a lot like him.
Sigmund: Ja, you look A LOT like miene faza too. You even have hish woice; And hish hair; And hish eyes; And hish hot tempah. Boy zat schvord looks a lot like za one I’m supposhed to hef one day.
Anna Nicole: You don’t say? Well, I guess we’ll never know. You have my dad’s skin tone…and his DNA. Boy small world huh?
Sigmund: (Pulls the sword out from the giant middle C.)
Anna Nicole: Oh my god! EPIPHANY! You’re my brother! Let’s get married.
Sigmund: Okay…but virsht vee hef zex…lotsh and lotsh of zex.
Anna Nicole: FINE BY ME!
Anna Nicole then launches into a long extended aria about how much she loves her brother…in all the wrong ways. Sigmund fusses with his weave while pretending to listen to her.
Finally Sigmund’s long flowing locks are on full display, the music swells, the keyboard lowers, Anna Nicole faints…
Che farò senza Vodka?
Dove andrò senza il mio ben.
Vodka, o Dio, risponde
Io son pure il tuo fedele.
Vodka! Ah, non m´avvanza
più socorso, più speranza
ne dal mondo, ne dal cel.