OKAY…SHE IS JABBA THE HUT! I didn’t even have to Photoshop this one. She actually looks like Jabba right? If the Met insists on casting this glorified tuning fork (who CAN’T act to save her life), they need to update the librettos so the soprano’s disease is diabetes instead of consumption. Consumption makes you skeletal. With diabetes it makes more sense if you’re morbidly obese.

Last night I had the craziest dream. It was about a giant fat slug that was holding a prisoner hostage in golden S&M garb…

“Gelb, mah bukee, keel-ee caleya ku kah. Wanta dah moole-rah?”

Turns out, it was no dream!!! This is actually happening backstage, at the Met, at this very moment. Jabba the Blythe has taken Bryn Terfel as her sex slave, and he’s being held hostage in a gold sex suit. She’s placed a bounty on Peter Gelb’s head…apparently he owes her money for the expensive Ring Cycle and she won’t release Terfel until the debt is paid.

Boonowa tweepi, ha, ha. Gelb! Hay lapa no ya, Gelb!

The press alleged the reinforcement of the Met stage was due to the expensive machine for the Ring production, but it was actually because Jabba the Blythe was going to spend over 2 hours on that stage…Nothing could support that kind of weight…NOTHING!

Gelb, ma bukee. Bargon yanah coto da eetha. See fah luto twentee, ee yaba…

Princess Anna “Will Lay Ya” Netrebko has placed information vital to the Rebellion in the systems of the Met’s HD broadcasts…this is our MOST desperate hour! Help us Met patrons…you’re our only hope! Help us Met patrons…you’re our only hope! Help us Met patrons…you’re our only hope!

“you’ll never get that bucket of bolts past the blockade! Or that gigantic ass!!!”